


My Heart Has Changed Its' Mind

by donsboy



Category: Starsky & Hutch
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Attempt at reconciliation, Break Up, Getting Back Together, Heartache, M/M, Original Character(s), Post canon, Sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-08-07
Packaged: 2020-05-28 18:01:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19399459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/donsboy/pseuds/donsboy
Summary: Hutch calls it off.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> In this piece, Hutch is not a cop.

Dearest Starsky, 

I've searched every darkened corner in the shadows of my mind for the right words and time to tell you this, but they've been so damn hard to find. It's not easy to write this using unfamiliar words because from me 'I Love You' is all you've ever heard. My eyes still can see you're everything I need, my arms can still hold you tight, and my lips still could kiss you just as many times. Starsk, it bothers me to write these words because I know I'm hurting you, but my heart says it's over and there nothing left to do. I know that this isn't your fault, but I can't see that it's mine either. The problem is that my heart has changed its' mind. Please know that I will always have a special place in my heart for you and what we had........

Hutch

No matter how many times Starsky read the letter over the years, it still shook him to his core. For days after he found it taped to his front door, he wracked his brain trying to figure out what it was that he'd done wrong. He even went so far as to drive by Hutch's place so he could try to talk to him, but Hutch was gone, and no one knew where he was. Starsky felt so lost and alone because Hutch had left. He tried to find Hutch in some of the places he'd mentioned during his travels, to no avail.

Often Starsky wondered how Hutch could so easily break his heart, and throw the two years they'd had together like they were so much trash. Hutch's treatment of him made Starsky very distrusting. As time went on, he swore he'd never try to find a new love because he didn't want another heartache like the one Hutch had given him......

THE END


	2. Making an Attempt...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hutch decides to contact Starsky.

Hutch finished his set at the club, and headed for home. When he arrived, he grabbed a beer and lay down across the bed. As he lay there, his mind drifted to Starsky as it did more and more these days. He wanted so much to contact the man, but didn't because he though that he hated his guts. Hutch knew Starsky had every right to feel that way because of how Hutch left. When he finally realized that he should have stayed with Starsky, five years had gone by, and Hutch thought that Starsky had forgotten him and moved on. Instead of doing something about the situation, Hutch did what he did best: he over-thought things and ignored them, hoping they would just go away. Now, it was on his mind all the time and he knew something needed to be done. The question was: what to do? Hutch thought about it some more, and realized that he was going in circles. He finished his beer and got ready for bed. As he lay there waiting for sleep, he hoped that Starsky was okay.

While Hutch was wondering what to do about Starsky, the man himself was sleeping. He'd gone to bed early, and was hoping for a complete night's sleep without dreams of Hutch. He wasn't sure when the dreams started, but they had been plaguing him off and on for the past few months. They weren't bad dreams, if fact, they were quite the opposite. Most of them had to do with places he'd gone with Hutch, and the good times they'd had together. Starsky was glad to note that there were never any erotic dreams. That would have hurt, and thrown him into deep despair. When Hutch left the way he had, Starsky thought about it, and decided that there was something unlovable about him. That's why he never tried to find anyone after Hutch. Sure, he was lonely, but figured that being lonely was preferable to getting his heart broken all over again. He wondered where Hutch was, and hoped that he was okay. For a while, Starsky hated Hutch for the way he'd left and broken his heart. He carried that hatred around with him for quite a while, but finally started to let go of it bit by bit. He decided that it was easier just taking each day as it came, and that's how he got by.

The next morning, Hutch awoke and began thinking about his thoughts from the night before. He decided there was only one thing to do, and that was to go back to Bay City, and try to talk to Starsky in hopes that he could try to repair some of the damage he'd caused. He knew it wouldn't be easy because Starsky might not want to have anything to do with him, but he felt he had to at least try. He called the club and told them he was leaving, and that he would be by to collect what pay he had coming to him. After that, he donned his sweats and a t-shirt, went for a run, and had breakfast. After showering, he dressed and packed a bag with enough things to last him a few days. The more he thought about what he was about to do, the more nervous he became. He shoved his feelings aside, finished gathering his things, and headed down to his car. He stopped for gas, went by the bank and withdrew some money, and stopped by the club. He collected his pay and got on the road, all the while wondering of he was doing the right thing.....

Meanwhile, Starsky had called in to work, claiming he had a 24-hour bug. Captain Dobey wasn't thrilled, but cut Starsky some slack since he was ill. He had the strangest feeling that something was up, but he couldn't quite put his finger on what. He did some lite housecleaning, some laundry, and decided he was hungry. He went through the drive-thru at Taco World, ordering a dozen tacos, and two deluxe burritos. He figured on having half the food for lunch and the other half for dinner. After he ate lunch, he decided to take a nap, and sometime later, he was awakened from another dream about Hutch. The dream had been different that the others because Hutch was talking to him, but he couldn't understand what was being said. He chalked it up to all the food he'd eaten and went back to sleep.....

End Chapter Two.....


	3. "Hutch???"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hutch makes his way back to Bay City, surprising Starsky in the process.

As Hutch was making his way to Bay City, his case of nerves tripled in size. He knew seeing Starsky was going to be difficult, and he was hoping that he could explain everything to Starsky's satisfaction. He knew his former lover would want to know first and foremost why he left the way he did. In the two years they had been together, Hutch knew he'd found his ideal mate in Starsky. The trouble came when Hutch got the idea in his head that he wasn't good enough for Starsky. Though he didn't understand where the idea came from, it stayed on his mind. He knew he should have tried to broach the subject with his lover, but was afraid that talking to Starsky might confirm his suspicions. Instead, he let the idea fester until he couldn't stand it anymore. That's when he wrote the note to Starsky and left town. He drifted around for a while and then settled in Santa Fe, New Mexico singing in a bar. He tried to get on with his life, but couldn't bring himself to try and meet anyone new because, in his mind, everyone else paled in comparison to Starsky. That's when Starsky's memory crept back into his thoughts, and that was the reason he was making the trip back to Bay City. He had to know if Starsky would listen to him, and hopefully consider taking him back. Hutch knew he had a lot to answer for, but if Starsky would listen to him, he felt that it would so be worth it.

Starsky was getting ready for his shift when a strange feeling came over him, and Hutch popped into his thoughts. Confused, he wondered why Hutch was on his mind so much of late. There were the dreams, and the random thoughts coming to him at odd times. At first, Starsky chalked it up to missing an ex-lover, but it seemed to go deeper than that. While thinking about all of this, Starsky got the strangest feeling that he was either going to see Hutch soon, or he was going to hear some news about him. Deep down, Starsky did want to at least talk to Hutch because he wanted to hear the real reason Hutch had left. He really wanted to know why Hutch's heart had changed its' mind. He'd wondered about it over the years, but just couldn't figure it out. He'd been good to Hutch, faithful, and caring. He teased Hutch about a lot of things, but never took it too far. There sure as hell wasn't wrong with things in the bedroom, and the two of them truly had a good thing going there! Starsky finally realized that he needed to speak with Hutch to get the true answers he needed. He noticed the time and had to get a move on, or he was definitely was going to be late. God knows he didn't want to get on Captain Dobey's bad side, especially after playing hooky the day before. He grabbed his keys and headed out the door.

Hutch arrived in Bay City around lunch time. He drove past Starsky's apartment, and when he didn't see the Torino, he automatically assumed Starsky was at work, or at lunch. He didn't want to go to the precinct because he didn't feel that it was the right place to talk to Starsky. He figured he would get a motel room, and try Starsky after work. While Hutch was deciding what to do, Starsky and his partner, Thomas Jenkins, were having lunch at the Taco House. While they were eating, they discussed the current case they were working and decided that they needed to gather more evidence to give to Captain Dobey. During the conversation, Thomas asked Starsky if he was coming to the cookout he and his wife were having that weekend. Starsky begged off, stating that he had plans to go to the beach. The two men finished lunch, and hit the streets. Starsky still had that strange feeling regarding Hutch, and couldn't understand why. Hutch had been in the back of his thoughts all day, and he wondered why. He and Jenkins finished their shift, and went their separate ways to spend their three days off. Starsky stopped off at the market and got food and beer and made his way home. When he got home, he got dinner started and grabbed a quick shower. When he finished, he ate dinner and settled down to watch television. He couldn't seem to concentrate on the show he has been watching so he turned off the TV and out on some music and decided to try and read.

While Starsky was settling down for the evening, Hutch was trying to decide what to do. He's tried to take a nap in the afternoon, but just barely succeeded. He noticed the time, and thought Starsky surely must be home by now. He decided to show up at Starsky's apartment unannounced and let the chips fall where they may. He got into his car and headed to Starsky's apartment, hoping he was alone. When he arrived, he waited a moment or two before going up the stairs. He sure as hell hoped he was doing the right thing. Unable to procrastinate any longer, Hutch walked up the stairs and rang Starsky's doorbell. He heard Starsky ask; “Who is it?” but Hutch didn't say anything. When Starsky opened the door, he stared incredulously at the sight before him. He couldn't believe what he was seeing, and the only thing he could say was “Hutch???”

End, Ch. 3


	4. Face to Face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hutch goes to Starsky and answers his questions.

Hutch stood there for a moment and finally said; “Hello, Starsky.....” The curly-haired man recovered his composure and asked Hutch to come in. Starsky headed for the kitchen and asked if Hutch wanted a beer. He said he did, and Starsky brought one for each of them. He sat down on the sofa across from the chair where Hutch sat, and the two made small talk for a while. Starsky asked where Hutch was living, what he was doing for a living, if he had a significant other, and on and on. Hutch asked about Starsky's partner, Jenkins, and how things were going with the job. He managed to sneak in the question about Starsky seeing anyone, and was surprised and a bit pleased to know that Starsky was single. The conversation continued in this vein until Starsky had enough with the social niceties, and got down to what he really wanted to know.....

“So, why did you leave, Hutch?”

Hutch began to get nervous again because this was the moment he'd been dreading, yet hoping for at the same time.....

“I left because I felt like I wasn't good enough for you.....”

Starsky was confused by Hutch's answer, but didn't let on because he was finally getting the information he'd wanted after all these years.....

“What does that even mean, Hutch?”

“It means that I didn't feel worthy of what I had, and I felt that I needed to leave so I didn't end up dragging you down.....”

“What do you mean by 'dragging me down'?”

“I was afraid you would get tired of me because I couldn't keep up.....”

“Keep up with what?”

“The private jokes between you and Jenkins, trying to understand what you were going through day after day on the job, the jokes you would make at my expense because I didn't understand something, yelling at me when I wasn't on the same page at the same time you were.....”

“How long did you keep this hidden, Hutch?”

“It really got bad the last six months we were together, but I'm not sure when it started...... I know it's stupid, but you wanted to know......”

“You know, I hated you for a long time after you left, but I managed to let it go. I had no idea I hated you for something I did.....”

“Starsky, I never meant to hurt you when I left, and if the truth be known, my heart never changed its' mind. I never stopped wanting and loving you. I just couldn't stand the thought that I wasn't good enough for you.....”

Starsky noticed that it was nearing midnight. He asked Hutch where he was staying, and Hutch explained that he was staying at the Bay City Inn in room 205. Starsky told him that he had the next three days off, and that he really wanted to continue their conversation. Hutch agreed that he really wanted that also. Starsky told him that he would call him the next morning, and walked Hutch to his car. Starsky told Hutch that he really was glad to see him and that he was looking forward to spending time with him the next day. With that, Hutch started his car and drove away, leaving Starsky on the sidewalk, still in awe that Hutch had returned to talk to him. He went back upstairs and secured the apartment for the night. He got in bed and began to think about the fact that Hutch was actually there in Bay City. He was equally excited that he was able to hear from Hutch himself the reason he'd left. Now that he knew for sure, he felt that he had to try and make it right. As he fell asleep, he vowed to make things up to Hutch in any way he could......

End, Ch. 4


	5. The Finale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hutch and Starsky finally get to talk and work things out.

The next morning dawned with promise in the air. Starsky was up early, still thinking about the things Hutch had told him the night before. He knew he might be hoping for too much, but if he found some way to get Hutch back, he promised himself he would do his level best to be patient with Hutch, not shut him out or shoot him down, and try to explain what Hutch didn't understand. Starsky glanced at the clock and saw that it was after 9 a. m. He dialed the Bay City Inn and asked for room 205. There was no answer, and Starsky began to get nervous. He was thinking that Hutch had left during the night once again without saying good-bye. Just as he hung up the phone, there was a knock on the door, Curious, Starsky went to see who it was and found his partner at the door. He let him in and asked what he was doing there. Jenkins explained that he'd tried to call first, but the line was busy. He went on to say that he was there to pick Starsky up because they had a dead body at Gillis Park that needed their attention. Starsky grumbled about it being their day off, but got dressed. He called Hutch's hotel, left a message, and told him that he would see him just as soon as possible.

When they arrived at the crime scene, Jenkins started his investigation while Starsky talked with the crime scene techs and the people from the medical examiner's office. After joining Jenkins, Starsky stated that this was going to be one of those cases. Jenkins understood perfectly, and suggested they brief Captain Dobey on what little they had found. On the way to the precinct, Jenkins asked Starsky what was on his mind. Starsky told him that Hutch was in town and had been to his house the night before. He went on to explain that Hutch had cleared up a lot of confusion, and had given him some straight answers about their situation. He told Jenkins that Hutch was waiting for him at the Bay City Inn so they could stalk some more, but this murder had thrown a wrench in his plans. Jenkins said he completely understood because he and Jeannie were planning a getaway for just the two of them, and now it looked like it was all turning to crap. When they arrived at the precinct, they immediately reported to Captain Dobey and gave him their preliminary findings. He noticed that his star detectives were looking less than pleased about being there. He told them that he understood their frustration, but they were short-handed, and that's why he called them in. Out of kindness, he told them that as soon as they wrapped the case, he would give them each a week off with pay.

While Starsky and Jenkins were doing their thing, Hutch was worrying himself into knots. He'd gotten Starsky's message, and was disappointed to learn that something had come up. He was so looking forward to being able to spend time talking to Starsky, and now this. Things like this happened back when they were together, and Hutch usually took it in stride. Now was a different story all together because there was so much riding on the outcome of their talks. All Hutch could do was wait until Starsky had time for him, which he hoped was soon. To pass some time, Hutch got out his guitar and started working on some songs he'd been writing. He grew bored with that after a while, and started pacing the room. He'd stepped into the bathroom and that's when the phone rang. He hurried to the table and answered; “Starsky?”

“Yeah, it's me..... you doin' okay?”

“Just trying to deal with my disappointment.....”

“Believe me, I do understand.....”

“So how's everything going?”

“That's what I called to tell you.... I don't think I'll be able to see you today. This case had been a monster to try and deal with and.....”

“That's okay, Strarsk..... I understand. Look, I'd better let you go so you can try and make some more progress. Hopefully we'll get a chance to talk soon......”

Hutch ended the call before Starsky could reply. Starsky sighed as he hung up the phone. He completely understood Hutch's impatience at the situation, but there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it at the moment because he and Tom had a killer to catch. Tom had called Jeannie while he and Starsky were having lunch at Burrito World, and when he came back to the table, he looked almost as bad as Starsky felt. The two men finished their lunch in silence and headed back to the streets, looking for more clues and more snitches to talk to.

The guys finally caught a break late that afternoon. One of their informants, Little Squeaky, gave them the name of the guy that put the hit out on the dead man. He said his name was Lonnie Dunnigan, and Squeaky told Starsky all the details which he had overheard in a bar two days ago. Starsky gave Squeaky 20 bucks for his trouble, and he and Tom headed back to the station for more information on this Dunnigan character. When they arrived at the station, Tom went to brief Captain Dobey while Starsky pulled Lonnie's police record. Lonnie Dunnigan had done time for armed robbery, murder, and several other felonies. Starsky took the file to Captain Dobey's office, and was pleased to find that Tom had gotten his phone records showing he'd had contact with the victim several times before the victim was killed. The guys shared all their information with the captain, and Dobey asked them how they wanted to play it. Tom suggested they just outright confront the guy and tell him what they knew. Starsky agreed with Tom, and Captain Dobey signed off on it. It was all over almost before it began. Tom walked up on Donnigan's porch, knocked, and announced himself. Starsky had gone around back and caught Lonnie trying to flee the scene through the back door. Starsky tackled him and cuffed him while Tom brought his car around. They got Lonnie to the precinct and started questioning. Lonnie asked for a lawyer, and that ended the questioning. Tom and Starsky started on their reports so they could have everything on Captain Dobey's desk. Remembering their captain's promise, Starsky scrawled a note about having one week off with pay as promised. He and Tom left the building, glad the day was over. Starsky asked Tom if he wanted to stop at Huggy's for a beer, but Tom said he was in enough trouble with Jeannie without making it worse. Starsky laughed and took a rain check. When Tom arrived at Starsky's place he told his partner he would see him in a week. Starsky laughed and told him to go home and make up with Jeannie. When Starsky got inside, he thought about calling Hutch, but when it saw that it was nearly midnight, he changed his mind. He decided that tomorrow morning would be soon enough, and that he and Hutch WOULD talk come hell or high water. As he got ready for bed, his thoughts were on Hutch. He looked really good when he showed up the night before, almost better than Starsky remembered. As he lay there, he felt himself becoming aroused and he masturbated to fantasies of Hutch, something he hadn't done in years. He was a little embarrassed for what he'd done, and he promptly cleaned himself up and fell asleep with visions of Hutch dancing in his head.

The following day dawned nice and crisp. A cool front had moved in the night before and the weather was wonderful. Hutch was up early and decided to go for a run, hoping that today would be the day he and Starsky would get a chance to talk. When he finished his shower, he dressed and decided to go in search for breakfast. As he was getting ready to leave the room there was a knock on the door. Wondering who would be there that early, Hutch opened the door to find Starky standing there with breakfast in hand.....

“Good morning!”

“Hey, Starsk..... come on in.....”

Starsky sat down at the table and started dividing the food. Hutch could see that Starsky had been thoughtful enough to stop at The Good Earth, and get him some of the food he liked. He saw two drink containers, and asked if they happened to contain coffee. Starsky replied that they did not contain coffee, but were health shakes made from Hutch's own recipe. Hutch was touched that Starsky remembered how to make his morning shake. He asked why there were two containers, Starsky explained that he had started drinking the shakes about a year after Hutch left. The two men ate their breakfast and when they were finished, Hutch went in to shower. When he was dressed and ready, he asked Starsky how much time they had together before he had to go to work. Starsky laughed and told Hutch that they had closed their case the night before and that Captain Dobey had given he and Tom a week off with pay. Hutch breathed a sigh of relief at what Starsky had told him. Hopefully this would make things easier now that Starsky wasn't occupied with work.

Once they were in the car, Starsky headed to the beach. He picked this destination because he knew it was one of Hutch's favorite places, and he knew he and Hutch would be comfortable enough to speak their minds. Starsky spread a blanket out on the sand, and the two men sat down. They made small talk for a few moments and then Starsky asked; “You wanna come home, don't you?”

“I'd be lying if I said I didn't.....”

“What's stopping you, Hutch?”

“After I left the way I did, I didn't think you would ever consider taking me back.....”

“Hutch, I managed to get all the negative feelings out of my system over the years, and I want you to know that if you are serious about wanting to come back, I'd welcome you with open arms....”

“Y-y-you would?”

“Yes, I would..... I know we have some things to work out, but once we get things back on track, we'll have lotsa time to work on what went wrong.....”

“Starsky?”

“Yeah, babe?”

“Can I come home?”

“Yes....”

Starsky leaned in to kiss the tears from Hutch's cheeks. The two embraced and Starsky told Hutch just how good it felt to hold him in his arms again. They headed back to the Torino and got Hutch checked out of the motel. When he got in the car, he asked Starsky where there were going and Starsky replied; “Home where you belong.....”

The End


End file.
